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How to Find & Be a Great Romantic Partner | Lori Gottlieb
@ Andrew Huberman
04/07/25
Takeaways
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
The feelings we experience with certain people are the best guide to how well they suit us as partners, but we often miss key signals by not paying attention to how we feel.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
It's important to improve our communication skills and determine if someone's critique of us is valid or not, especially in relationships.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Texting and technology have changed relationships significantly, and we should navigate these changes by focusing on what we can control.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Many people don't allow themselves to access more vitality and enjoyment in life because the familiarity of their current circumstances overrides their willingness to move forward.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Self-regulation is crucial in relationships; it's about managing your own emotions rather than relying on your partner to regulate them for you.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Co-regulation is also important; if one partner can stay calm during a conflict, it helps the other partner learn to self-regulate.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
In relationships, it's essential to pause discussions when both partners are dysregulated, as nothing productive will come from arguing in that state.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
People often choose partners who reflect their unfinished business from childhood, which can lead to repeating unhealthy patterns in relationships.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Therapy helps individuals recognize the unconscious forces driving their choices in relationships, allowing them to make healthier decisions.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Many people fear joy because they associate it with the potential for loss, leading them to sabotage good things in their lives.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
The initial spark in a relationship doesn't always indicate compatibility; it's important to assess the relationship over time rather than relying solely on first impressions. If you go on a date and feel like it was a nice conversation, consider spending another hour with that person instead of rushing to find someone else, as we often overlook the potential of a second date because we think there are so many other options available.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
It's important to look for calmness in a relationship rather than just excitement. Excitement can often be mistaken for volatility or anxiety, while calmness can be genuinely exciting.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
People often stay in unsatisfying relationships because they fear the unknown of making a change. Acknowledging our mortality can help us make more intentional choices in our lives and relationships.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Numbness is often misunderstood as the absence of feelings, but it can actually be a response to being overwhelmed by too many emotions. It's crucial to recognize what you're feeling instead of shutting down.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
When couples come in for therapy, they often express a desire for their partner to open up emotionally. However, when vulnerability is shown, it can sometimes create discomfort for both partners, highlighting the complexities of emotional expression in relationships.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
In therapy, men often express feelings they've never shared before, while women may feel they haven't shared anything significant if they've only told a few close friends. This difference in emotional expression can lead to misunderstandings in relationships.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Healthy communication in relationships involves filtering what you say. It's not about sharing every thought or feeling unfiltered, but rather considering how your words will impact the other person.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Face-to-face conversations provide a space for emotional cues that texting lacks, as texting may not be appropriate for important conversations and can lead to misunderstandings and conflict. Emojis cannot replace the depth of in-person interactions, which allow for a more nuanced understanding of each other's feelings.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
In therapy, insight alone isn't enough; real change requires taking action in the world.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
To influence your partner positively, focus on changing your own behavior instead of trying to change them directly.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Behavioral change is more effective when approached in small, manageable steps rather than overwhelming leaps.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Change is a process that involves stages: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Self-compassion is essential for accountability; it allows you to acknowledge mistakes without harsh self-judgment.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
In relationships, it's crucial to separate a person's actions from their character; addressing behavior without labeling someone as 'bad' fosters healthier communication.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Guilt can be a positive feeling that indicates you're aware of your actions and their alignment with your values, while shame is unproductive.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
People often struggle to change because they feel they lack agency; recognizing your ability to choose your responses is key to personal growth.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Breakups are one of the hardest experiences, often underestimated in their emotional impact, especially now due to digital communication; blocking someone on social media doesn't eliminate emotional access to them.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
There's a hierarchy of pain associated with breakups, where people often dismiss the pain of shorter relationships compared to longer ones, not realizing that emotional pain is valid regardless of the relationship's length.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
People often don't seek help for their emotional struggles after a breakup because they think their pain isn't significant enough, similar to how we treat physical injuries differently based on severity.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Breakups can deeply affect individuals, especially if they lack closure or understanding of why the relationship ended, leading to a painful process of storytelling and reliving the past.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
The loss after a breakup is often more about losing the daily life and shared experiences with a partner than about the partner themselves.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
In relationships, we often take deposits into the 'bank of goodwill' through positive interactions, but we tend to focus on withdrawals when things go wrong, which can lead to a lack of appreciation for our partners.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
It's important to focus on the positive aspects of a partner rather than just the negatives, as this can help maintain a healthy relationship and prevent feelings of resentment.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
People often think they can find the perfect partner by comparing traits, but every partner comes with their own set of strengths and weaknesses, and it's essential to appreciate them as a whole.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Sometimes, the safest choice is to take a risk, as doing something uncomfortable can lead to personal growth and fulfillment, rather than sticking to familiar but unfulfilling patterns.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Productive anxiety helps us recognize when something is wrong in a relationship, prompting us to take action, while unproductive anxiety leads to rumination without resolution.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Emotional maturity and flexibility are crucial for the success of a relationship or marriage.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
It's important to recognize that you don't have to be fully formed before entering a relationship; growth often happens in connection with others.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Being in a relationship can help individuals grow and understand themselves better, as they are often forced to confront their own behaviors and feelings.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
The dating landscape has changed, making it harder for young people to navigate romantic relationships due to a lack of traditional courting practices and the prevalence of texting.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
It's essential to understand that your worth is not determined by someone else's opinion; you have inherent value regardless of others' perceptions.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Dating apps create an illusion of choice, leading to a phenomenon where individuals become maximizers, always searching for something better instead of appreciating what they have.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
When dating, it's beneficial to reflect on how a partner makes you feel, as this can provide insight into the relationship's potential.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Understanding each other's operating instructions is more intimate than love languages, as it helps partners navigate their differences and support each other effectively.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Help-rejecting complainers are individuals who constantly blame others for their problems and reject any advice or help offered, which can be detrimental in relationships.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
I think we are wired to want to love and be loved, but many people don't know how to love and be loved if they haven't seen it modeled for them.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
People often come to therapy because something got ruptured in the love or being loved area of their life, which is the core issue we need to address.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Therapy isn't just about solving one discrete problem; it's about addressing deeper process issues that can resolve multiple problems in life.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
We often create narratives about ourselves based on our experiences, and it's crucial to examine and expand these stories to understand ourselves better.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Many people carry stories from childhood that shape their worldview, such as feeling unlovable or unable to trust, which affects their relationships.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
It's important to rewrite the narratives we carry, identifying counterexamples that show we are lovable and that trust can exist.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Grief is a personal process; there's no right way to grieve, and people often carry losses with them throughout their lives.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
When dealing with loss, it's essential to understand what that loss represents and how it affects your life moving forward.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
People often seek permission to pursue their desires, which can be stifled by cultural messages that discourage them from wanting more.
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Lori Gottlieb
04/07/25
@ Andrew Huberman
Choosing the bigger life means making decisions that align with your desires and values, rather than adhering to societal expectations.